Another Session With My Shrink

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Yesterday I had my monthly session with my shrink Dr. C. This time didn’t go as usual, this time was very productive, since I finally started to open up about my Pure Obsessional OCD’s intrusive thoughts. You see, the hardest part about my OCD are not the rituals, but talking about what I like to call my sexually explicit and violent intrusive thoughts. It’s really hard for me, because since I was a little kid, I’ve always thought that if I told anyone about my thoughts, they would put me in the nut house for sure. You have to understand, that my OCD had a good and strong mental grip on me, as far back as I can remember. In other words, it kept lying to me, until I finally broke loose.

Going back to my session with Dr. C. We decided that it will be a good idea, to come off of Geodon and go on a new crazy med, that he said is really good for the intrusive thoughts. Right now I can’t tell you the name, because I forgot it and he sent the prescription directly to the pharmacy. That means, that within a few days or maybe by next Saturday, I will start my new crazy med. I told him straight out, that I am not afraid of the side effects, because I know, that after one week, they are usually gone. I just hope that this one works.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Dry Hump Her!

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Good morning and happy hump day y’all! As always, enjoy your day to the fullest and DO NOT! I repeat… DO NOT! let an asshole fuck it up for you. It’s not even worth it y’all.

On another note! The other day, when I was walking by, I saw a woman bending down. It seems that she was picking up something from the floor. Without thinking about it, my OCD told me to grab her from behind and to start dry humping her. You see, that is the type of shit that I have to deal with every day, from the time that I open my eyes in the morning, to the time that I close my eyes at night. How do I deal with what I call sexually explicit intrusive thoughts? Well, it all depends. Sometimes, I can just dismiss it and continue on with my life. But most of the times, the image keeps repeating itself in my mind and I just can’t get rid of it, no matter what I do. When that happens, it causes me a very high level of anxiety and distress, because I know for a fact, that I have never and will never act out my OCD thoughts, plus I know that they are not who I am. The one trick that I have learned about my OCD is, that if I keep entertaining the intrusive thoughts, they will keep going. But on the other hand, if I think about something else, my OCD will know that I am not interested in his bullshit and move on.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

My Social Anxiety Disorder And Alcohol

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It’s funny how people who don’t suffer from social anxiety, can’t, don’t and won’t understand why is it, that I have to drink in social gatherings. To me, it just sucks not to drink while I’m in a party or family gathering, because I get bored easily and I also feel that I am boring. You see, when I drink, the shyness goes away and I am also more friendlier, funnier, open and talkative. In other words, I am the person who I’ve always wanted to be, but can’t be.

The thing is, that people don’t know how hard it is for me to socialize with others, It’s really hard for me to start or in some cases, continue a conversation with a total stranger. As a matter of fact, it’s even hard for me to start a conversation with someone who’ve I met before, but that I don’t know that well. And then, that’s when the alcohol comes in. You have to understand, that alcohol, makes the anxiety go away. When that happens, you can say that I become the life of the party… or at least part of it. The crazy meds have helped a lot, but not completely. I still can’t talk in front of large groups of people though. It’s still work in progress. Oh one more thing! The after effect of alcohol is a high anxiety level for a few days. Which sucks big time!

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

My OCD Wants To Kill My Wife!

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Good morning and happy Monday my brothers and sisters from other mothers! Enjoy your day to the fullest and DO NOT!… I repeat,  DO NOT! let an asshole fuck it up for you. Today I’m working on email and faxes, which for some weird reason, I love to do. To be honest with you, I can do it five days a week and it wouldn’t bother me at all.

On another note! I’ve thinking about killing my wife lately! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! You’ve read that right! But don’t worry about it, It’s just another one of those crazy OCD intrusive violent thoughts. I know for a fact, that I have never acted out any of my OCD intrusive violent thoughts, and I will never do it either. So there is nothing to worry about my peeps. It’s just that it keeps repeating it self in my mind, because I hate it so much and I want to get rid of it so bad, that my OCD keeps playing games, by playing it over and over again. Believe me, it’s really hard to have such a thought, but there is nothing that I can do about it, until my OCD decides to move on to another, more elaborate and punishing thought. That’s how it works.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

Why The Short Posts?

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Good morning and Happy Monday my peeps! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! I still need Mondays like I need a bullet hole in my head, because I have to go back to the salt mines (work) again. But other than that, I hope that you enjoy your day to the fullest. Just make sure that you don’t let an asshole fuck it up for you in any shape or form.

On a different note! You probably noticed that my latest posts are short and to the point. The reason for that is that a recent study has shown “that the average attention span is down from 12 seconds in the year 2000 to eight seconds now. That is less than the nine-second attention span of your average goldfish”. You see, what I am trying to say is, that there is a good reason, why I make sure that my posts are 250 words or less. People now a days, hate to read a lot, and that includes me. The only time that I read a lot is, when I’m reading a book. But even then, if and when I start reading the book, the author beats around the bush a lot, I tend to get bored and move on to something more interesting.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

OCD: The Knife Dilemma

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Good morning and happy Sunday y’all! I know! I know! I know! I know! I know! I hate Sundays with a vengeance. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t feel like Tony the fucking tiger… GRRRRREAT! And the reason for that is, that today I have been sober for thirteen days, plus this is my second sober weekend, and that means a lot to me. Even though, I have to go back to work tomorrow, I still feel good and happy, with what I have accomplished so far.

On a different note though! I remember that before I was diagnosed with OCD, whenever I had a knife in my hands and someone got too close to me, the violent thoughts told me to stab the person to death. Sometimes, they were so graphic, that I would look for an excuse to put the knife down and leave the kitchen.

How am I doing now? Very good, thank you for asking. I’ve been seeing my shrink Dr. C for about seven years and I take my crazy meds everyday as instructed. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I know for a fact, that there are people who suffer from OCD, that prefer not to take any crazy meds. In my case, talk therapy and the crazy med, have really helped me cope with my OCD, and that is the reason why I do what I do.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!

My Violent Intrusive OCD Thoughts

One thing about my OCD, that “normal people” will never understand and are afraid of, are my violent intrusive thoughts. The thing about those thoughts is, that “normal people” think that like a schizophrenic, I will act them out. I don’t know how to emphasize this to those people, but they are DEAD WRONG! You see, the thing about my OCD is, that I know and understand, that my thoughts don’t make sense at all, they make me feel uncomfortable, are crazy, insane, irrational and wrong, and that is the reason why I try to dismiss them, and by trying to do that, I end up performing what are called rituals. Which then, gets me really anxious. In the end, I keep getting stuck in an endless loop, performing a ritual over and over again, until I feel good or it feels “right”. In other words, until the thought and the anxiety are gone and I am mentally at peace. 

Here is one example! When I’m waiting for the train on the subway platform and someone passes by or gets too close to me, I get a violent thought with images, about me pushing that person to the tracks and the train running over them. I know it sounds crazy and it is a horrible thing to think about, but I can assure you, that I have no control over the thought and that it is just an irrational and random thought, that comes to my mind, but that I never acted out, because I know that it is wrong and also, that I am not a killer. I really feel uncomfortable and I try to dismiss it, but like I mentioned before, I get anxious, then perform mental rituals, and I end up getting stuck, in an on-going endless loop. To be on the same page, just keep in mind, that two of the many differences between a person who suffers from OCD and a person who suffers from schizophrenia are that #1) The person who suffers from OCD knows that the thoughts are irrational and don’t make sense at all to him/her and #2) That the person who suffers from OCD, will never act the thoughts out.

With that said! I am Audi 5000 y’all!